I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
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I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Hunting for buried treasure but it’s just me cleaning underneath my couches
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.