Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?

Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!