I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
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[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
What’s a Messi?
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.