Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel…

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell

five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.