I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
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saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
man: wait
time: no
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.