Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”