Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

congratulations to them

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge