Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!

North and South

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word