I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
You Might Also Like
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.