Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me redecorating every room in my mind

this independent good boy don’t need no human

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

What’s the point buying it then?

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

(Gaming support cat.)

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday