I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
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We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive