“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
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Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
My birth announcement for our third baby
pat pat
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.