Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5

“Great, now I have to pee.”

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

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“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay