“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
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Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Selfie
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Proctologist = Analyst
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.