I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
You Might Also Like
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.