Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

The first matador

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

I Can’t Tonight…

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?