I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
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I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?