I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
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Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
📽️movie date🎞️
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Door frame: *exists
My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?