I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
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[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Try and stop me.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Ron is short for Aaronald
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.