Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?