I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
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Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Rambo Rambow
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.