I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
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I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
can’t catch a break
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I love wikipedia
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
what is cheese if not milk persevering