I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
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[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Lmao 🤣
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.