I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
You Might Also Like
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.