I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
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Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!