I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
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I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.