I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
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Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
it is time once again
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Children of the corn 🌽
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
