I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
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That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP