When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
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I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
You know…for fall…
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat