I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
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I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties