Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts