I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
You Might Also Like
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
#Caturday
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’