I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
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Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”