I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
You Might Also Like
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
