I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
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WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Ok, but like, how married are you?