Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

DATE: So tell me something about yourself

ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’

HER: I need to see other people

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

reminder

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.