Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

it was love at first sight

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head