Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

water it, i dare you

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.