Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

Stop sending me this shit.

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

I think I’ll stand

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.