I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
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Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I enjoy a good short stor
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.