I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
You Might Also Like
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day