I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
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I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still