I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
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Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
The devil.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.