I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
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Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?