I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
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I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.