I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
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“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.