Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.