I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
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Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
Yup
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.