I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
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Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.