I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
You Might Also Like
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I need a headline like this
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.