I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
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my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
This trial is so absurd 😭
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.