I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
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When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.