Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

what the hell pray for carter everyone

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.