“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
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Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Ugh but profoundly
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?