“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
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Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Merica.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk