“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
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[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
podcasts
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.