“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
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If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
My first child will be named New Folder.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something