I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
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Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Cheers Twitter.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue