I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
You Might Also Like
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.