I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
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One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds