i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
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If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin