i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
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“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
listen closely
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
shit just got real
