i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
You Might Also Like
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
#Caturday
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”