I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
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Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Breaking news:
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
We’ve all been there
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”My 7yo: What’s this song called?