I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
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Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Saturday
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.