Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.