I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
You Might Also Like
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.