I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
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my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
