Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

Good morning

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.