I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
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Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking