I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
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Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.