Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.