Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”

Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”

Me (checks watch): “1985.”

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”