Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
You Might Also Like
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.